Paradoxes

“I sit looking forward but always looking around me. I never know what for.

I know I’m in the present but I don’t want to be.

When you think of the future you think of flying cars, the climate apocalypse and your football team finally winning something. I think of the future as a feeling. A feeling that I’m sure will feel better than how I’m feeling in the present. Yet the future isn’t something I can easily plan for.

I have no control in the present. I say things and do things. I feel that I can only feel one emotion at a time. And when I feel it I feel it more than anyone else. I might feel it for hours or minutes or seconds. If it’s minutes or seconds and it’s the rare time it’s not stress or anger then those minutes are plenty of time to do something and say really awful things. Awful things I say on purpose while I’m emotionally numb to feel important. Whether it’s to the person I’ve convinced myself I’m annoyed at or if it’s someone I think will take my ‘side’.

In the future I’m better. I’m nicer, maybe even as nice as people tell me I am now (they don’t know how I can’t cope with daily life and that guilt and anger are all I feel). I think when people tell me I’m nice it’s because they have no reason to think otherwise.

…

Basically I have no idea what’s going on. I can’t tell if I’m struggling. Im always wishing for the future but fighting to control the present. I feel everything but nothing. I’m compassionate with an anger problem. I feel like I’m not in control but I’m having to control a personality or spirit. I’m constantly both ends of the spectrum. I just want calm. I want some form of peace. One day everything will align. One day in the future. Until then I don’t want to have to wait while also being me. Constant paradoxes that people only say they understand. It’s easier to be black and white with people; ‘yeah I’m okay, nah I’m not doing great’.”

I wrote that back in November last year, probably the first time I’d ever sat down and spewed words into my notes app like that. It still rings true for me now, I still feel pretty much everything I did then. So you’re now probably thinking ‘What’s that got to do with photography? Why’s he being so morbid on his website?’. I think the answer to that is that my Photography is similar to the way my brain works. That seems pretty obvious on the face of it, I put my camera to my eye and the result is a form of what I’ve seen. Not an exact replica of what I’ve seen but a version of it that I’ve subconsciously made. It could be thought of as a version of the present where the intention is the future, exactly the same as how I feel. The same paradoxes I struggle with day-to-day are present in Photography. As the author of the Photograph I’ve seen the present with the hope of the future. As the viewer you simply have to take my word for it that what is contained in the photograph is real. Black and white.

I think this is why I have such a love for Photography. It may be one of the only times I feel I have some sort of temporary control while also having no control over things such as the light or the weather. Looking at photographs brings me a form of peace. They’re quiet and loud at the same time. They ask and answer questions in equal amounts. They both happened and are happening while we can only imagine what the future will be like for the contents of the photograph.

I needed to sit and write today so if none of this makes any sense and you all just think I’m crazy then that’s okay. If you’ve read this and understand then thank you. Both sides are okay with me.